Paul Rodenburg

Odds and ends from Paul.

Here Come the Horse Burgers!

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It's horse killing time!!!  This past Tuesday the USDA gave a slaughter house in New Mexico a permit to slaughter horses for consumption.  Well the horse meat plant is in Roswell, New Mexico, so maybe it's for aliens.  Who knows?  Maybe Aliens can't get enough of the Horse cock... I mean cock meat... err cock...

 

Delicious Horse

 

But my real question is, where the fuck are they going to get all the horses to slaughter?  I am a city boy, the only people I've ever known to have horses are my cousins, who have some on their farm.  And a few rich girls I've known.  I really don't want to bite into a horse burger, realizing that some inbred rich girl's ass was on it at one time.  Hmmm, wait... that's kinda hot... excuse me while I go throw up....  and masturbate...  I like to spew out of several orifices at once.  It's the only way to puke-gazm.  Really, you must try it some time.

 

Girl and Horse

"Awww, Princess Buttercup, Daddy says we have to make you into dinner."

 

Horse Meat

"Who wants their Princess Buttercup rare?"

 

Some animals rights groups are putting their love of horses to the forefront by trying to sue the USDA to prevent the horse slaughtering.

 

love horse burger

Love always loses to deliciousness.

 

 Imagine having been there when McDonalds started and having had a chance to get in on the ground floor?  Well why not do it now, in the horse meat revolution!  I can see it now, ads promoting this new delicious meat choice.

 

mr ed

 

kid horse flesh

 

And there's a huge opportunity here to offer what McDonalds, and Wendy's can't, with a horse burger restaurant.  Why not make it a two in one experience?  When you go out for lobster at a fancy place, you can pick the lobster you want, then they cook it.  Why not make it a petting zoo/restaurant?  Let little Suzy enjoy a ride on her new steed "Flower," then have her learn an important life lesson as she gets to eat "Flower" at the dinner table.

 

horse meat restaurant

 

This industry is going to be huge!  Don't wait for someone else to strike it big first.  You should cash out your life savings right now to be ahead of the trend, and cash in on this upcoming horse meat gold rush.  It's a can't miss thing!

 

 

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The Face of Terror

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Recently Joshua, a 7 year old Maryland boy, was suspended from school for two days for eating a pastry (a Danish) until it vaguely resembled a gun, and then making a noise as though he was shooting his Danish at someone.  I know what you're thinking.  "This is ridiculous!  How could this happen!"  And I agree.

 

Terror Kid

THE FACE OF TERROR!!!

   

Why won't someone finally put a stop to this madness?  Thank God for a teacher that knew to put a stop to this dangerous pastry!  Thank God she saved the other children from the terror of a pastry!  Think of what horrors would have happened had that teacher not saved the day.  Unfortunately this is a symptom of a growing problem.

 

What will be next?  Pretzels as toy guns?   IED's, Improvised Eclair Devices?  RPG-B's, Rocket Propelled Granola Bars?  Cluster bombs made of cake?  A low yield nuclear device made of tofu?  The possibilities are terrifying!  If this isn't stopped now, when will it stop?!?!?  

If anything, this brave teacher who stopped the dangerous child with a pastry, and the principal that suspended the child should be applauded.  They courageously risked taking a dangerous delicious imaginary pastry bullet to save countless children in that class room. 

 

Sadly this is just another horrific example of our nation's epidemic of "Kids with things that resemble guns and want to have fun." And where was our illustrious President during all of this? The silence from the White House is deafening. Sure, the President has had time to try and propose gun control legislation, YET he is silent on this epidemic of children with toys or food that might resemble guns. If another child brings a gun like food to school, the President should be held personally responsible for being asleep at the switch. This is a time bomb made of jello just waiting to go off.

 

Recently in Suffolk, Va., two second graders were suspended after pointing pencils at one another and making “gun noises.”  This is horrific!  These terrorist kids are everywhere!  Who will stop these children who are hell bent on having things that might resemble guns and having fun?!?!?  They are a threat to our way of life.  Why has our President not yet declared a war on Kids with things that resemble guns?!?!?  He needs to appoint a Czar to that position while there's still time!

 

Lives are at stake!  Mr. President, why haven't you declared 7 year old Joshua an enemy combatant, and taken him away to Gitmo?  Mr. President, why hasn't this child been water boarded yet, so that we can find out who he reports to?  Who else is in this network of "Kids with things that resemble guns and want to have fun"?  We must fight these kid food terrorists to protect our way of life.

 

Don't these children food jihadists know our national anthem?  That we are "The land of the SAFE, and the home of the Brave."  These children would have you believe in lies, lies like "Freedom."  Freedom is dangerous, that's why the Government has wisely decided to declare war on it.

 

  

obama

Asleep at the switch.

 

The Patriot act is there to prevent you from dangerous freedoms.  Like reading books that are bad for you, without the Government knowing.  During the Bush administration, the phone companies wisely tapped American phone lines to prevent you from the dangerous freedom of talking to others unmonitored.  
 

The IRS has divinely protected America from the freedom of choice in democracy by singling out conservative political groups and greatly obstructing their ability to become non-profits organizations.   The T.S.A. has justly protected us from the freedom of unmolested travel, by making sure we are searched and treated like prisoners at airports.  And the Justice Department has bravely saved us from that most dangerous of freedoms, freedom of the press, by seizing phone records of reporters trying to report the truth.

 

And yet, when it comes to protecting us from "Kids with things that resemble guns and want to have fun" the schools are alone on the front lines.  While Washington turns its back on them.  We must stop this, NOW!  We can't let one more day go by in which a child might make a gun noise while holding a french fry (a.k.a. freedom fry, notice that dangerous freedom word again.) as a gun, or pretending that his peas are a cluster bomb.  

 

Mr. President, I implore you. Install food detectors at the door way of every school. Give the school's more money for police men to roam the halls to protect us from these child food terrorists. Transfer some T.S.A. agents to these schools so that they can perform random daily body cavity checks. I guarantee that at this moment, there are thousands of dangerous children in schools across America who have their rectums filled with former food stuffs that at one time could have been eaten into a gun shape. The horror! This is a national tragedy that we must bring an end to. The world is looking to you, Mr. President.

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Is Funner a Word?

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Is Funner a Word?

 

Yes, now go fuck off. Hmmm, this is a rather short article if I just phrase it that way, perhaps I should go into more detail.

 

Perhaps at some point as a child you, or someone you knew used the word "Funner" and was reprimanded that "Funner" is not a real word. Or perhaps you used the word "Funner" on a facebook post, and the never ending list of spelling and grammar Nazi's, who have nothing better to do than to hover on facebook to reprimand and edit other's post to show their own delusional superiority, tried to correct you.

 

So, is "Funner" a word? Well, what is the definition of a "word"? Is not a "word" a sound or a series of sounds made by man, animals mimicking man, or killer robots come to steal our women; that have a specific meaning that can be understood by a listener? The word "Funner" fits this criteria. When the killer robots tell you, "it's way funner to probe your wife's anus than a goat's." You know exactly what they mean (as does your wife now, sadly for her anus). Well, ok hopefully you don't know first hand how fun it is or isn't to probe a goat's anus, but I won‘t judge.

 

And is not a word a sound, or a series of sounds that can be depicted through writing by using the 26 letters of the English alphabet? You don't have to use all 26 letters in each word, thank God. Though the French do try and pack as many extra letters as they can into their words. The word "Funner" also fits this criteria as well. Just read it. It's six letters "F-U-N-N-E-R."

 

If Einstein was here with us today, he'd say, "Holy fucking shit, I'm dead, why am I here?!?!?!" And once he calmed down, perhaps he'd encourage us to do a thought experiment. Or he'd want to eat our delicious brains. Here's a hint, if you don't want zombies to eat your brain, then make sure your brain isn't delicious; but instead is very dirty. I try to think as many dirty thoughts as humanly possible each day for this reason. So really, by my thinking dirty dirty thoughts about sexy sexy ladies, I'm really helping to avoid a zombie apocalypse for us all. You're welcome society. Now, wasn't I suggesting some sex... I mean a thought experiment.

 

Imagine that you are a painter, and I am a painter. And one day you create a new hue of a color. You mix some red, a little blue, maybe a little yellow and create a hue of a color that is magnificent and has never been seen by human eyes before. And in your joy at this new discovery, you run over to me, to show me your new color and tell of all the new things you shall paint with it. And the moment I see it I castigate you. "That is not a real color! It's not like the other colors I learned about in art school! It does not follow the rules of colors that I was taught! I can’t paint an orgy of penises with that color! It is not a real color!"

 

The thing is, whether I accepted it or not, it would still be a color. Words are the paint of a writer, which he or she uses on his or her canvas be it novels, short stories, movies, the stage, or in song. If a painter decided that he would never again use the color blue in his paintings, that would be a test of his skills. BUT if society tried to tell all painters, everywhere, that they could not use the color blue in their paintings, it would severely limit what an artist could create. It would limit how they could reach and move their audience, and how they could express themselves. It would be foolish to let arbitrary rules limit oneself when the goal is expression of the human spirit.

 

There is no high board of humans, no "Word" Cabal deep in the basements of Harvard that creates all the new words that are used everyday by people to express feelings and share with each other. This "Word" Cabal doesn't go back to caveman times only creating perfect words that must never be tampered with or evolve. There weren't a bunch of cave men sitting around a campfire in ancient times one day that created all the words that we use, and which are now holy and untouchable.

 

Caveman 1: Ugggggh...
Caveman 2: No.
Caveman 1: Derrrr...
Caveman 2: No, no good.
Caveman 1: Trans... transss...
Caveman 2: I like where this is going.
Caveman 1: Trans... Transcendental meditation
Caveman 2: That's a keeper! Mark it down!

 

If language is so perfect and set in stone, then why don’t we still speak and write in Latin, or Elizabethan English anymore? There is no clamor for sonnets about the joys of big butted women. Why? Because languages evolve and grow and change. Because words are created by everyone, not just the people who write dictionaries or have English degrees.

 

Lewis Carroll, Dr. Suess, authors like that have created new words on their own that are used in our lexicons today. The word “nerd” was first seen in print in one of Dr. Suess’ stories from the 1950’s. And today it is a household word. We didn’t have to wait for ivory tower eggheads to create it. It’s in the nature of people to create and evolve words. All languages do this. Especially English which is such a hodge podge of other languages.

 

Now ask previous said spelling/grammar Nazi's why “Funner” is not a word, and you'll most likely get a, "just because" or "that's just how it is." Or an argument that the word “Fun” is a noun and thus can never have an adjective form. Why? For ignorant adherence to tradition?

 

If science held such ignorant reverence for the past, rather than embrace introspection and questioning assumptions about reality we’d still say that fire is one of the four elements that makes up everything. We’d still sacrifice virgins to the God of rain. Speaking of which, does anyone know where I can find any virgins? It‘s really hard to find a virgin these days... it’s for non-sacrifice reasons I assure you. Nothing to do with Motar my God of Rain and Scratch Off Lottery Tickets...

 

The truth is that a word usually only enters the dictionary, and accepted use in academia well AFTER it’s already been used and accepted by the general public. What does that mean then? Did the day the word “ain’t” entered the dictionary it magically became a word? That prior to that day any usage of it, spoken or written was forfeit and unintelligible? Those would be ludicrous assumptions to make.

 

Ironically you may now find the word “Funner” in some dictionaries. So the people who fought so long against accepting it as a word are hard up. Do they now accept that “Funner” is a word, and acknowledge that they let some egg heads who run a dictionary company decide for them what are and aren’t words? Or do they say it only got into the dictionary due to “ignorant people” and ignore the fact that all words were originally just created by people and that’s how all words got into dictionaries in the first place?

 

Now if a person wants to sit in their self-created ivory tower of ignorance, and look down on any word usage they didn’t learn while in school, they have that right. Everyone has the right to be ignorant. But they will find that either way, the language will move forward and evolve with or without them. With or without academia’s approval. It is a river that can not be stopped. And like all rivers, sitting on the bank and yelling at it not to flow is useless.

 

P.S. Anyone have any luck finding any virgins for me? The funner they are, the better. ;)

 

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Being an Entertainer

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Some days I hate being an entertainer. Ok, that's a lie. Some days I hate that part of being an entertainer means being a broke ass motherfucker. Ok, that's a partial lie. I've never fucked my mother, but I have fucked other mothers, perhaps even your's. Tell her I said hi. ;)

 

Well meaning people try to encourage me about being an entertainer. Saying that I should have pride in all of my so called "accomplishments." But here's the thing about pride, you can't eat pride. Trust me, I've tried. It's bitter and empty. Like my soul, or my ex's cooking. If you work in entertainment as a living, it is how you feed, clothe and house yourself. You can't pay rent with a feeling of "accomplishment."

 

Try taking that to the landlord. "I know I'm supposed to pay you $750 this month, but instead take this feeling of joy in my work!!!" Yeah, that's going to go over well... and you can't trade in the laughter of an audience for a new pair of jeans. "How would you like to pay for this sir?" "In laughs, let me reach into my pocket and pull them out." :) Sure the salesperson may laugh at that at first, and though (if you're bold) you'll try to use the salesperson's very laughs to pay for the jeans, odds are you're going home pantless. Which I find myself doing more and more when I drink...

 

Entertainment is a weird business. If you're a brick layer and you're out of work, you're considered "unemployed." If you're an actor and you're out of work, you're still considered an "actor." The same goes for writers and musicians. Sure, it's been five damn years since you had a gig, but when people ask you what you do, you're still an "actor."

 

I'd like to pretend that it has some deeper meaning. That being a "writer" (muscian, actor, blah, blah, fucking, blah) isn't what you do, it's who you are. But that's rather condescending and demeaning to people who are brick layers or do other work. I used to be a janitor long ago. And though I'd never say that deep in my soul I burn with the soul of a "janitor," I'd certainly not want to make out that being a janitor is a lesser place in life.

 

All work is noble. My Dad only ever imparted three life lessons on me.
1: All work is noble.
2: If you fight, fight to win.
3: You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose.

 

I'd say he was right about all three. Though honestly I have yet to try number 3. Society wouldn't function without the bricklayers, janitors and a million other jobs that may not be glamorous, but are incredibly important to life. Any man or woman, even the artistically inclined, who instead chose a more "mundane" job to support their family has done something great. That being said, don't expect any awards shows anytime soon for "Janitor of the Year."

 

Big Awards shows are such bullshit anyways. Look at the Academy Awards. It's a bunch of rich people giving little gold statues to other rich people in honor of who was the best at playing pretend. Because that is what acting really is, pretending to be someone you aren't. Remember that game you played as a kid, pretending you were playing house, or cowboys and indians, or what ever TV show you liked. If only you'd realized then, that old people give each other awards for stuff like that.

 

There are no big Awards shows for the jobs and people that really deserve it. There's no award show for firefighter of the year. Even though they are usually the first on the scene for most emergencies. There are no awards shows for "Single Parent of the Year." You gave up your hopes and dreams to take care of your kids after your significant other left? Tough shit, that's life. No awards show for you.

 

If there were award shows for firefighters, they would never run over on time. Because virtually all their speeches would be short. The same speech in fact, "I was just doing my job." If there were award shows for single parents, you'd see more joy in their acceptance speeches than most Oscar winners, "I don't care that I won! I'm just glad to be out of the house!"

 

But instead our culture makes gods not out of the decent and humane, but indiscriminately of those who give us our favorite drug, escapism. Trust me, I know the hypocrisy of even mentioning that when I too am a dealer of said drug. But next time you're doing anything, think, "Is this really what I want to be doing most with my life right now?" It's so easy for any drug to be a crutch.

 

Sure it is a nice way to relax after a long day with a bit of TV, or a movie, or a stupid ass blog on this site... but those hours add up so fast. Soon you're gone and dead, and never wrote that book, painted that painting, acted in something, learned an instrument, or took that trip you always wanted to.

 

Are you watching that show, movie, Youtube video, or reading this blog cause it's enriching you; or cause it's just easy and distracting from reality? Yeah I know, smooth move Paul. Encourage all 3 of your readers to stop reading your blog... but the thing is, I don't want to addict people to escapism. Be it here, or with my videos. We all need some escapism in our life at times, but it's a drug that will waste your life if you let it. I can't approve of such things... now to go drink the world away... ;)

 

Oh... and yeah, I'm a comedian because it's who I am, not just what I do. So I am a condescending asshole. That's what your mom said too, after I got off of her...

 

 

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A Word About Words

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FUCK, SHIT, DAMN, HELL, CUNT, the list goes on. These are "bad words" according to much of society. Funny, none of those words ever tried date raped me, or killed any of my family members. Yet they are considered "bad words."

 

When I created this website, it was my goal to make a home for raw comedy. But also a place to experiment and evolve comedy. At times that means the vivisection of comedy, or in the sadder cases of dead jokes and tired premises, the dissection of it. Virtually all comedy runs on words. As a comedian words are the paint for my canvas, and it always amazes me how people have such arcane and arbitrary reactions to certain words only out of ignorant tradition.

 

The words shit, feces and crap all mean the exact same thing. It's not as though when you "crap," it has the refreshing smell of flowers which everyone eagerly lines up to smell and enjoy from miles around. While when you "shit" it smells like... well... shit and you commit a unforgivable sin from your buttocks in the very process of making it. Remember when Jesus sacrificed his innocent life by dying in excruciating pain on the cross to save your soul from eternal damnation? That was your fault, because you once took a "shit" when you should have just taken a "crap." You monster.

 

Shit, feces, crap. They all look, smell, and probably feel the same. Well depending on what you've been eating. Yet despite the fact that all three of these words have the EXACT same meaning, one of them is ostracized. As though "shit" somehow is worse. How is it worse? Did "shit" beat a poor orphan child to death with a loaf of stale French Bread, while a the same time "crap" and "feces" searched for a cure for Aids? All three words are synonyms. I neither want to smell, touch or taste your shit, feces, or crap.

 

"Fuck," what is wrong with that word? How is that word bad? Everyone likes a good "fucking." If it weren't for "fucking," none of us humans would exist. It's fun to fuck. It's a perfectly natural and necessary part of our species. Yet when someone uses the word "Fuck" all of a sudden it's as though we all live in Victorian England and must flee in abject terror from any concept that sexual relations could even exist.

 

What about "damn" and "darn"? Let's see, "damn" is basically short for "damnation" meaning to spend eternal punishment in the bowels of hell. While "darn" is to mend torn fabric by sewing it. So the phrase "Darn it!" must really mean, "oh man, I gotta sew the mother fucking shit out of this sock of mine which has a hole in it!" And judging by how many people use the word "darn," there are a ton of seamstresses out there.

 

The truth is that when people use the word "darn" as slang, they really just want to find a word that they think is an acceptable substitute to the word "damn." So they basically mean the same thing. So saying "darn you" is really just saying "Damn you, but it's acceptable for me to say Damn you to hell, because I used the word darn. It's ok, it's a less mild form of hell you'll be going to. I'm not a hypocrite." That is silly and ludicrous.

 

It's not like you have to use the words "darn you" as a substitute for "damn you." Because if you actually use the words "damn you" the person that you are talking will be sent directly to hell.
"Honey, I ate your last sandwich."
"Damn it. Fine, I'll make another."
Poof, your wife is instantly sent to the fires of hell for eternal punishment just for eating your sandwich. Which, on a side note, she deserves if she's eating your food.

 

I hate to break it to you, but if someone comes up to you and says, "Damn you. Damn you to hell!" You are not going to hell because of it. Well, unless maybe Jesus comes up and tells you that. And in that case, put a good word in with him for me. I need all the good words I can get.

 

This all is hypocrisy, and we teach it to our children. Children are taught archaic rules on what words are good or bad, based on arbitrary outdated rules. Yet we know that virtually all of these children will begin to use these words when they enter middle school and high school. Wouldn't it make more sense to stop demonizing these words, and just teach kids how to use them correctly? You'd find the words would quickly lose their stature as "bad words" and would just become normal words.

 

Instead children are often punished for using the very language that they see adults use all around them. Once upon a time society also felt that it was ok to tell women that they weren't allowed to use such language. That it was un-lady like, and should only be the purview of men. Society wanted to maintain some fictionalized image of women as being subservient, docile, and gentle; instead of letting them be real 3 dimensional human beings.

 

Society still does this to kids. So that society may continue to look at kids through its willingly deluded eyes, rather than let children be their own expressive 3 dimensional human beings. Some might say, "But Paul, a kid shouldn't say the word shit! :O" I ask you, why not? If that is the proper word for what he's talking about, shit, feces, crap; then I say YES he or she should be able to use the proper word to properly express themselves.

 

It's no different than any other word. And before someone whines that the kid will go around calling everything "shit" think first for a moment. Most children are taught not to go around calling everyone and everything an idiot, or a poop head, or fat, or ugly. We teach children (for the most part) how and when it is appropriate to use these words. All that needs to be done is to apply the same standard to most of the so called "bad words."

 

Look at the word "bloody" when used as slang. In England it's a "bad word." In America it's not at all. To Americans it's a fun and quaint word that the English use. Both cultures speak English, yet in one land a word is bad, and in the other it is good. Why? Arbitrary rules from our ancestors. The same applies to most of our "bad words." An alien from outer space would not hear us say the word "damn" and freak out because that sound is inherently evil.

 

"Bad Words" what about "Good Words"? People spend so much time getting horrified and bent out of shape because someone dropped an "F-bomb," yet won't spend any time recognizing good words. Words of kindness, wisdom, encouragement to our fellow man. Those are ignored or taken for granted unless you are the person receiving said words. But outside parties sure as hell will stick their nose in things and proclaim righteous indignation at a person using the word "Fuck" to express themselves.

 

You want to know what I think is a "bad word"? The word "idiot." It is never used in a kind context. You can say, "I just had a good fuck." Or "I love the hell out of my girlfriend." And those uses are kind, or edifying to a person. But whenever someone uses the word "idiot" it is to demean another human being. To judge and look down on another person. Yet society feels it is acceptable to use a word (idiot) which tears down and hurts other people. While using the word "fuck" is some sort of cardinal sin. Even though the word fuck most often is not used to demean others.

 

It's amazing how much time people will set aside to get angry and judge when another person uses the words "fuck, damn, shit, etc..". People who apparently have nothing better to do than be mad at someone else for expressing themselves. If you have enough time to get mad or judgmental because someone used the word "fuck," then maybe you need to find some hobbies. Maybe go help out a charity, write a book, or call your Mom and tell her that you love her. Because I guarantee you that you sitting around being annoyed and judging someone for using a "bad word" is all wasted time that you will never get back.

 

You will not die someday, and go to heaven and meet Saint Peter and find him asking, "Ok, how many hours did you spend in righteous indignation judging other people for their use of language?... Oh really? That much?!?! How very impressive! You get to go back to earth and live for that many more hours! Good job!" It does you no good, nor does it do society any good to waste your time in idle judgmental behavior of the words other people use. Yet people will still make time to go and judge people for using "bad words" rather than do something productive with their time.

 

"Bad words" should be words whose whole use is to hurt others. Racial slurs, derogatory terms for people who are mentally handicapped, or have a different sexual persuasion, or words that are just meant to hurt and judge others. Society spends an inordinate amount of time creating hissy fits when a person uses the word "fuck" while totally ignoring, and sometimes even applauding words (and usages of those words) that are used to look down on and tear other people apart emotionally just for being a bit different. And to that society, I say, "Fuck You."

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