A Word About Words

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FUCK, SHIT, DAMN, HELL, CUNT, the list goes on. These are "bad words" according to much of society. Funny, none of those words ever tried date raped me, or killed any of my family members. Yet they are considered "bad words."


When I created this website, it was my goal to make a home for raw comedy. But also a place to experiment and evolve comedy. At times that means the vivisection of comedy, or in the sadder cases of dead jokes and tired premises, the dissection of it. Virtually all comedy runs on words. As a comedian words are the paint for my canvas, and it always amazes me how people have such arcane and arbitrary reactions to certain words only out of ignorant tradition.


The words shit, feces and crap all mean the exact same thing. It's not as though when you "crap," it has the refreshing smell of flowers which everyone eagerly lines up to smell and enjoy from miles around. While when you "shit" it smells like... well... shit and you commit a unforgivable sin from your buttocks in the very process of making it. Remember when Jesus sacrificed his innocent life by dying in excruciating pain on the cross to save your soul from eternal damnation? That was your fault, because you once took a "shit" when you should have just taken a "crap." You monster.


Shit, feces, crap. They all look, smell, and probably feel the same. Well depending on what you've been eating. Yet despite the fact that all three of these words have the EXACT same meaning, one of them is ostracized. As though "shit" somehow is worse. How is it worse? Did "shit" beat a poor orphan child to death with a loaf of stale French Bread, while a the same time "crap" and "feces" searched for a cure for Aids? All three words are synonyms. I neither want to smell, touch or taste your shit, feces, or crap.


"Fuck," what is wrong with that word? How is that word bad? Everyone likes a good "fucking." If it weren't for "fucking," none of us humans would exist. It's fun to fuck. It's a perfectly natural and necessary part of our species. Yet when someone uses the word "Fuck" all of a sudden it's as though we all live in Victorian England and must flee in abject terror from any concept that sexual relations could even exist.


What about "damn" and "darn"? Let's see, "damn" is basically short for "damnation" meaning to spend eternal punishment in the bowels of hell. While "darn" is to mend torn fabric by sewing it. So the phrase "Darn it!" must really mean, "oh man, I gotta sew the mother fucking shit out of this sock of mine which has a hole in it!" And judging by how many people use the word "darn," there are a ton of seamstresses out there.


The truth is that when people use the word "darn" as slang, they really just want to find a word that they think is an acceptable substitute to the word "damn." So they basically mean the same thing. So saying "darn you" is really just saying "Damn you, but it's acceptable for me to say Damn you to hell, because I used the word darn. It's ok, it's a less mild form of hell you'll be going to. I'm not a hypocrite." That is silly and ludicrous.


It's not like you have to use the words "darn you" as a substitute for "damn you." Because if you actually use the words "damn you" the person that you are talking will be sent directly to hell.
"Honey, I ate your last sandwich."
"Damn it. Fine, I'll make another."
Poof, your wife is instantly sent to the fires of hell for eternal punishment just for eating your sandwich. Which, on a side note, she deserves if she's eating your food.


I hate to break it to you, but if someone comes up to you and says, "Damn you. Damn you to hell!" You are not going to hell because of it. Well, unless maybe Jesus comes up and tells you that. And in that case, put a good word in with him for me. I need all the good words I can get.


This all is hypocrisy, and we teach it to our children. Children are taught archaic rules on what words are good or bad, based on arbitrary outdated rules. Yet we know that virtually all of these children will begin to use these words when they enter middle school and high school. Wouldn't it make more sense to stop demonizing these words, and just teach kids how to use them correctly? You'd find the words would quickly lose their stature as "bad words" and would just become normal words.


Instead children are often punished for using the very language that they see adults use all around them. Once upon a time society also felt that it was ok to tell women that they weren't allowed to use such language. That it was un-lady like, and should only be the purview of men. Society wanted to maintain some fictionalized image of women as being subservient, docile, and gentle; instead of letting them be real 3 dimensional human beings.


Society still does this to kids. So that society may continue to look at kids through its willingly deluded eyes, rather than let children be their own expressive 3 dimensional human beings. Some might say, "But Paul, a kid shouldn't say the word shit! :O" I ask you, why not? If that is the proper word for what he's talking about, shit, feces, crap; then I say YES he or she should be able to use the proper word to properly express themselves.


It's no different than any other word. And before someone whines that the kid will go around calling everything "shit" think first for a moment. Most children are taught not to go around calling everyone and everything an idiot, or a poop head, or fat, or ugly. We teach children (for the most part) how and when it is appropriate to use these words. All that needs to be done is to apply the same standard to most of the so called "bad words."


Look at the word "bloody" when used as slang. In England it's a "bad word." In America it's not at all. To Americans it's a fun and quaint word that the English use. Both cultures speak English, yet in one land a word is bad, and in the other it is good. Why? Arbitrary rules from our ancestors. The same applies to most of our "bad words." An alien from outer space would not hear us say the word "damn" and freak out because that sound is inherently evil.


"Bad Words" what about "Good Words"? People spend so much time getting horrified and bent out of shape because someone dropped an "F-bomb," yet won't spend any time recognizing good words. Words of kindness, wisdom, encouragement to our fellow man. Those are ignored or taken for granted unless you are the person receiving said words. But outside parties sure as hell will stick their nose in things and proclaim righteous indignation at a person using the word "Fuck" to express themselves.


You want to know what I think is a "bad word"? The word "idiot." It is never used in a kind context. You can say, "I just had a good fuck." Or "I love the hell out of my girlfriend." And those uses are kind, or edifying to a person. But whenever someone uses the word "idiot" it is to demean another human being. To judge and look down on another person. Yet society feels it is acceptable to use a word (idiot) which tears down and hurts other people. While using the word "fuck" is some sort of cardinal sin. Even though the word fuck most often is not used to demean others.


It's amazing how much time people will set aside to get angry and judge when another person uses the words "fuck, damn, shit, etc..". People who apparently have nothing better to do than be mad at someone else for expressing themselves. If you have enough time to get mad or judgmental because someone used the word "fuck," then maybe you need to find some hobbies. Maybe go help out a charity, write a book, or call your Mom and tell her that you love her. Because I guarantee you that you sitting around being annoyed and judging someone for using a "bad word" is all wasted time that you will never get back.


You will not die someday, and go to heaven and meet Saint Peter and find him asking, "Ok, how many hours did you spend in righteous indignation judging other people for their use of language?... Oh really? That much?!?! How very impressive! You get to go back to earth and live for that many more hours! Good job!" It does you no good, nor does it do society any good to waste your time in idle judgmental behavior of the words other people use. Yet people will still make time to go and judge people for using "bad words" rather than do something productive with their time.


"Bad words" should be words whose whole use is to hurt others. Racial slurs, derogatory terms for people who are mentally handicapped, or have a different sexual persuasion, or words that are just meant to hurt and judge others. Society spends an inordinate amount of time creating hissy fits when a person uses the word "fuck" while totally ignoring, and sometimes even applauding words (and usages of those words) that are used to look down on and tear other people apart emotionally just for being a bit different. And to that society, I say, "Fuck You."